There Will Be Blood (WARNING: not for the squeamish or uptight)

Hello Everyone!  I'm still feeling rather drained and crappy from whatever my deal is currently but I wanted to share some photos with those interested parties who were curious as to why I felt it important enough to visit the ER over something as trivial as a nosebleed.  Common, they are.  However I've never seen one this prolific.  Some of you may also be wondering how I managed to take these photos if my affliction was as serious as I report.  To that, I respond "are you new?"  If you know me at all then this will come as no surprise.  I'm not about to miss a photo op like this.  I attempted to get some of my face, neck and chest but my gloves were slippery with blood and I kept dropping the phone rendering those pics useless.

I'm posting them here is my blog as opposed to Facebook because the powers that be at FB are pussified and FB itself is full of pussies who would complain over something as natural as blood.  I've had special effects photos removed so I can only imagine the reaction to this amount of real blood.

The story goes like this.  Around 2 PM on Monday I was tooling around the lab at work (oddly enough processing blood samples) when all of a sudden my own blood was pouring from my nose.  I was surprised as I'd never had a nosebleed in my life but I did not panic.  My coworkers rushed over to help me contain the spill before we had a biological incident on our hands.  I sat down with lab wipes to catch the spillage as I attempted to pinch it into submission while simultaneously attempting not to swallow more blood than Ed Norton warned me was acceptable in Fight Club.    After about 20 mins with no luck on my own, my boss (the good doctor) advised me to lean forward, pinch it hard for five minutes (for this I set a lab timer) then check to see if it had stopped.  That did not work.  She advised me to do it again for ten minutes and then another ten, neither of which worked.  At this point, my nose had been gushing constantly for forty-five minutes and I was feeling light-headed and nauseated.  A clot had also formed in my throat attempting to choke me once already.  That had to be coughed up and expelled which did wonders for the nosebleed.  We called my doctor at the advice of an EMT and my doctor instructed me to go to the emergency room right away.  One of my coworkers rushed me straightaway to the hospital.  By the time we reached the hospital, my nose had been going for about an hour and had not slowed down in the least.  I was feeling even more lightheaded, dizzy and nauseated and had swallowed much more blood than anyone should sans those of a vampiric nature.

I sat in the ER with my nose going for another 1.5  hours including one more murderous clot that when coughed up, made its way back through the nasal passages forcing removal through the nostril.  Then I sat for another half hour or so after it finally stopped.  When it stopped, I stumbled to the restroom and attempted to clear away some of the blood spatter from the apparent murder scene that was my body and clothing.  I then returned to my seat to wait for the doctor. 

I was finally called back.  The doctor popped in, proceeded to be dismissive as all hell and proved to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that he hadn't bothered to read my chart beyond the words "nose bleed"  with such phrases as, "Soooo this has been going on for about 15-20 mins, right?" and "what happened?  Did you get punched?" and "well I'm not familiar with the name of that medication but I'm sure it does [blah, blah...]" (which it does not, BTW). Then he shooed me away.  At this point, I was tired, sick, had been in the hospital for 2.5 hours, my blood pressure was severely elevated eliciting this quizzical response, "are you stressed?" and wanted nothing more than to go home to bed.  I bled again that night, being awakened by the gusher at 9:30 PM.  I got that one to stop in about ten minutes so I just cleaned up and went back to bed. 

I am still rather exhausted after taking the day off yesterday and want nothing more than to get more rest now.  I do not believe it is blood loss that is keeping me down, rather whatever the impetus of the nose bleed must be the culprit.  However it was still a fair amount. 

The pictures I am posting below are the culmination of the 25 mins of pinching time I was doing before calling the doctor.  During this time, it never stopped once.  Then add the amount I swallowed, the amount before I started catching it (20 mins or so into the bleed) and the amount at the hospital. 

Visceral Reflections

Fresh from California, this is my celebration of Viscera the event as well as the experience. Feel free to follow me in my journey as I make my first trip West.

I am fortunate enough to have been involved in one of the most selfless, supportive and inspirational projects of my lifetime. When Shannon Lark approached me to join the staff of the 2011 Viscera Awards, I was flattered and appreciative but I had no way of knowing how my own life would be enriched. I've had my share of involvement with charitable organizations and I work for a non-profit but Viscera is something special. Blah, blah I know. Of course I think it's special. But this is not a product of loyalty or ass-kissing. I refer to a fact that was proven to many this past Sunday night. That is the event.

Now put all of that together with my first trip to California and you have the experience. Yes, I am from Georgia but it's not that I was blown away by “Big City Life.” On the contrary. I didn't really experience the city, for one, and secondly, I'm from Atlanta. I get how the city works and I'm not impressed. That's why I live in Athens. While it can be lovely to visit (New York is one of my favorite places on Earth), the adage exists for a reason. I wouldn't want to live there. Plop me just outside so I can go at my leisure and we have a deal. Think the relation of Athens to Atlanta. Sold. 

No, what touched me most was the amount of generosity, hospitality and sincerity that I found everywhere I tread. Throughout the entire trip I found myself reflecting on this. Here it comes. Are you paying attention? My friends, while focused to the point of exhaustion on the workings of the coming celebration, also managed to find time to ensure that my first visit West was a pleasant one. Who the hell saw that coming? I didn't think I'd be sleeping in the bathtub and eating dropped avocado skins or anything but I damn straight didn't expect to feel so pampered. Hell, we were busy. But they did it. And here I sit hang-jawed. 

The magic really came together on the night of the festival. All the hard work, the months of planning, and the hours of lost sleep contributed by the amazing team at Viscera blossomed into a beautiful, well mannered child. Shannon's initial dream for Viscera was alive and well in front of me. And thanks to the amazing hearts and talents of Heidi Honeycutt, Stacy Hammon, Annette Slomka, Shersy Benson, James Morgart, Andrew Shearer, Matt Orsman, Irene Langholm and countless volunteers and behind-the-scenes Fairy Ghoul-Mothers/Fathers...it was perfection.

By this point in our journey you are likely wondering what hallucinogenic I have chosen this evening. Rest assured I gush by nature. It is who I am. If you have ever experienced my ravings, then this comes as no surprise (“Jack Chop” or Grace anyone?). I find beauty in passion of any sort and beauty awakens my spirit. I am the chick who cries when I watch the Jaws documentaries. Why the hell do you think I consider myself so lucky to be involved anyway? Viscera does what I think we should all do for the sake of art in general, particularly the genre we love. 

Horror has long been looked down upon, cast aside or simply ignored. That present situation is okay with many. Some feel that making the mainstream take notice of what we've known from the beginning will make it less special, perhaps sell it out. A true fan knows how much bullshit stands behind that statement. The love of horror, like any other passion, comes from within the individual. No one can take that from you regardless of how twinkly or generic it is. The creation of vapid, time-wasting, watered down entertainment does nothing to prevent Leatherface from ripping teens to shreds. And Hitchcock's pulse-pounding suspense tales will live forever no matter how different characters attempt to recreate those timeless roles.

Now is the time to prove we are more than they believe us to be. Why? Because we deserve it. I live in the fucking Bible Belt. I walk with my head high, tattoos, horror stickers, tee shirts and all but you know people still lose jobs over this stuff. That disturbing fact of life has recently hit close to home. That shit's not right. The expression of art in its many forms, no matter the audience or medium, is important to the continued growth and health of our society. In other words, you suppress artists and everything goes to Hell.

Basically, people need to get off their moral high-horses and open their tight little brains. And Viscera, with all its beauty and respect for art, is precisely my chosen avenue to make that happen.

I would like to extend a heart-felt “congratulations” to the dynamic group of filmmakers whose work was on display. Without these dedicated artists, we would have nothing to rejoice. You should all be proud of your achievements and I wish you nothing but the best in the future. Thank you, Everyone, for helping me to realize what is possible when enough like-minded individuals, gender aside, work together. 

Thank you to all the new friends who helped make my experience so enjoyable. And a special thank you to the many friends I have known for years and never had the opportunity to meet in person. And finally, thank you to my super support system on the home front.  Patrick and Jen are my rock and my hard place. 

Because of this sojourn, I have a renewed enthusiasm for my chosen form of expression and my creativity has been rejuvenated. This is only the beginning. See you all next year.

Beannachtaí na Féile Pádraig!

Wishin' you a Happy St. Patrick's Day whether you be Irish or not.   Enjoy some tunes for the holiday.  Here are two different versions of Danny Boy and the Irish National Anthem.  Whatever you do, be safe and have fun!  

Go mbeirimíd beo ar an am seo arís

 

Women in Horror - RECOGNIZE

Women in Horror Recognition Month is coming to an end.  Yes, I'm sad as well.  :(  Of course we can celebrate talented and creative women any day of the year (and certainly should) but having a month devoted to the cause is fun.  In case you have squandered your time by not using it to celebrate women of horror, I have taken the time to compile a list of horror films that were made by women.  This is not, of course, all of them but it's a solid chunk of mainstream.  That way you can easily use the remainder of the weekend to catch up.  Pop these movies in now and you can say you've done something for the good of female filmmakers.  Who knows?  Maybe some of these will surprise you.  Maybe you'll spy a flick you didn't even know was made by women.  That then falls under education and it means I've done my part.  We all win.

1.  American Psycho was adapted for the screen by Mary Harron and Guinevere Turner.  It was directed by Mary Harron. Fun fact:  Mary Harron was also the only woman to direct an episode of "Masters of Horror"/ "Fear Itself".

2.  Stephen King wrote his own screenplay for Pet Sematary but it was directed by Mary Lambert.  It then went on to be one of the most memorable and oft-quoted horror films of the last two decades. She also went on to direct the sequel.

3.  Ravenous is an amazing film. It's creative, funny, twisted, and gut wrenching.  The actors (such an incredible cast, too) pull off some memorable performances as they are directed by Antonia Bird.  If you've missed this gem, you must fix that pronto.

4. The Slumber Party Massacre was written by feminist Rita Mae Brown and directed by Amy Holden Jones.  With this film they took hold of the slasher and proved that women know how to do it, too.  So there.

5. It's true that those above have all been modern films but that doesn't mean women were soft before then.  Ida Lupino directed The Hitch Hiker (1953) which was based on real life multiple murderer Billy Cook.  She had to change the death count to three from five to appease the censors so she could take more than they could. 
BAM!

6.  Rachel Talalay directed the fifth sequel in the ever popular A Nightmare on Elm Street series.  Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare.

7.  Kathryn Bigelow (before taking home the Oscar) dipped her brush into the horror palette as well with the western/horror hybrid Near Dark that she co-wrote and directed.  It didn't make much money upon release but has reached cult status now.

8.  I'm wrestling with myself over whether or not the following film is actual horror but it's one of my favorites so I'm sticking it in because I want to.  The IMDb categorizes it as a thriller so that's close e-damn-nough.  Therefore I give you Boxing Helena, directed by Jennifer Chambers Lynch and starring Sherilyn Fenn, one of the sexiest women ever created.

9.  For those who think women can't stomach gore or can't handle something really bloody, I give you Blood Diner directed by Jackie Kong.

10. Now you can feel what you wish about Claire Denis' French horror Trouble Every Day.  Truthfully it received a lot of harsh criticisms but no one can say that's it not an example of just how twisted women can be.  If you need proof positive that we can attack disturbing themes, this is it.  Adding Vincent Gallo to any film accomplishes that much.  lol  You can also spot Beatrice Dalle from Inside.

Okay, that's ten.  It's a good, round number and plenty enough to get you started.  But that's just the tip of the iceberg.  I named mostly films you might know by heart and tossed in a couple that are more obscure to tweak your brain but women are working hard in the industry every day.  A fantastic way to see what indie women filmmakers are up to is to go to viscerafilmfestival.com.  Seriously, go there. 
Viscera was created by independent champion Shannon Lark to promote and encourage female filmmakers in the genre.  Submission ends on the 28, February for this year but if you're hankering to get your work out there, there's always next year.  And if you don't fancy yourself a filmmaker, you can still support.  Go there to see how.

Just a Few Who've Helped Me Be - Part 1

In honor of Black History Month I'd like to highlight some inspiring people who helped make me who I am today for one reason or another.  I am not of African descent (to my knowledge) but the lessons we learn from those who go before us are universal.  Thank you for helping me be who I am. 

Martin Luther King, Jr. taught me that even the most difficult of dreams can be realized if you stand up for what you believe and refuse to take "no" for an answer.

Harriet Tubman taught me that the right way is usually not the easy way and that sometimes you have to go through a lot of heartache when you're on the right track.  Hmm unintentional pun there but I'll take it.

Richard Pryor taught me that laughing at yourself is sometimes the best thing you can do.  He also taught me not to play with matches.

 

Eddie Murphy taught me that who you are in your twenties has fuck all to do with who you are for the rest of your life.  By that, I mean never say never, basically, 'cause you just don't know.

 

Pam Grier taught me that beauty is timeless.  When you're truly beautiful, age is not a factor.

As a horror fan as well as a human being, Blacula taught me not to judge anything by its cover.  As a child I always thought it looked campy and cheesy.  Then when I got around to watching it I realized that Blacula is freakin' scary stuff.  Dig it.

 

Redd Foxx taught me that you can find humor in most anything.  His was one of my favorite shows growing up and I still watch it every day (TV Land at 7PM).  You should, too, ya big dummy!

5 Things I Never Need to Hear Again

Sometimes in life there are things that gain momentary popularity or, for some other reason, become the fashion.  Specifically I am referring to elements of speech.  Eventually those cute phrases or handy monikers  wear out their welcome and become ear poison.  Once that happens, hearing them uttered is akin to brain rape.  We must learn when enough is enough. What is clever one day is annoying the next.  Some people lack the judgment to determine when the changeover occurs and must be told.  Alrighty then (see what I did there?), good people, help is on the way.  I have compiled a list of ne'ersays that I think most of us will agree should be stricken from the word list.  Without further ado, I give you five examples of:


Stuff I Never Need to Hear Ever Again

1.  Step up/Step Up to the Plate - I get it.  It's cute.  When a baseball player has a turn at bat, he "steps up to the plate."  That means he is ready to handle his responsibility.   That is an adorable and effective metaphor but I'm done with it now.  You will hear it everywhere from talk shows (usually referring to someone "stepping up" to take care of the baby they just found out they have when they got paternity tested along with fourteen other people) to reality shows but never, it seems, during a baseball game.  Well stop it.  It's over.  Pick another sport and come up with something new. 

2.  Literally/Actually - I grouped these two together because they are legitimate words that have a place in our language when used correctly.  They made the list because folks bandy them about like they were handing them out at the free clinic.  They do have real meanings, you know.  There is no need to ever use them incorrectly.  You did not "literally" die when anyone said anything.  That is obvious if you are now reading this.  "Actually" is not a filler.  It doesn't just go anywhere when you feel like you need additional syllables as in, "What high school did you attend?"  "Nuke 'em High, actually."  Well okay.  If you did attend Nuke'em High, I give you permission to use the word.  Otherwise...NO!  
If you are at all unsure of how to use the above words, just don't do it.  Trust me when I tell you it actually removes all validity from the remainder of your sentence.  Literally.

3.  Throwing Anyone Under the Bus - Every time any group of people is up for elimination of any kind, someone gets "thrown under the bus."  Again, it is an effective metaphor.  I can picture it clearly.  You want someone out of your way, what do you do?  You wait on the corner for a bus to go by and toss 'em under it.  It happens every day.    Recently, a contestant on "Face Off" used the term and added the colorful bit, "cross town" bus.  That doesn't help.  Every time I hear that phrase I want to follow suit literally.

 4.  24/7 or 24/7/365 - These are both useful terms if you are a 7-11 employee explaining your business hours.  Otherwise, stop it.  What the hell is wrong with just saying, "every day?"  It only makes sense.  The longer of the two above has nine syllables.  Nine.  "Every day" only has four.  I'd say that's much more verbally economical and in times like these we should save every bit we can.  

5.  Take It to the Next Level - Whenever someone is discussing their relationship, you can almost always count on this phrase popping out.  If you aren't playing a video game I don't want to hear it.  

 
Inigo Montoya has something to say on the matter as well.

Rules to Live By: The Elevator Edition

It never takes long to get me going again.  I'm a really nice person but it's fairly easy to get me riled, depending on the subject.  Common Courtesy is one thing that takes me to the edge every time.  That is what inspired me to start writing "Rules to Live by and I Fucking Mean It."  Here's an example:

Elevator Etiquette:

An elevator (or lift for my across the pond friends) can be a safe and fun way to travel up and down within a building.  Willy Wonka has other ideas but, let's face it, he's a man far ahead of his time.  Using an elevator is relatively simple compared to most things.  It mainly involves pushing a button, waiting, stepping in, waiting, stepping out and going about your day.  Some people, however, insist on making everything difficult and stressful.  Here are some rules for those guys.

1.  It works just like the bus or subway, people.  When it comes to a stop, those EXITING the elevator get to leave.  Then those ENTERING the elevator get on.  No muss, no fuss.  It won't leave without you.  Just wait your freakin turn.  There is no need to run over that poor old lady with the stroller, I promise.

2.  You only have to press the button once.  Jabbing the button repeatedly with your thumb might get you money on Jeopardy (unless you're up against Watson) but it won't get the elevator there any faster.  I promise.  As a matter of fact if I was the elevator, I'd go extra slow just to piss you off.

3.  If there are only a couple of people on the elevator, you don't have to move to the center when the doors are about to open, arms flailing, screaming, "this is my floor!"  Do you also have those airport guys wave you into parking spots?  Chill out.  It's going to stop on your floor because that is what elevators do.  

4.  Everyone knows number four but somehow it remains a problem.  Basically, don't crowd people you don't know.  Being forced into a tiny cubicle with a slew of strangers might be a good time for some but, surprisingly, many people do not enjoy it.  Have a little respect for your fellow passengers and "give 'im room, Brody."

Maybe these people have the right idea.  Assign your standing areas to avoid unnecessary altercations.

She really hates it when people don't obey the rules.

Stuff That Doesn't Suck

The last couple of days I've been bitching a lot.  It's okay to say so.  I know it's true.  Well now I'd like to lighten things up a bit by sharing a few things that make me smile.  Here is some stuff I like:

My Favorite Song

My favorite Director

My Favorite Film

My Favorite Villain

My Favorite TV Show Intro

My Favorite Zombie Movie

My Favorite Werewolves

And these are a few of my favorite things...I invite you to share yours with me.  :)  What makes you happy?

 

I'll let Mr. Wonka take us out with his response to Surv's quiz answer.

 

What Part of "I Feel Like Crap" Do You NOT Understand?

If I walk into work head in hands, eyes squinted in pain, and I head straight for the Excedrin, what the fuck do you think that means?  If you haven't yet figured it out, it means, "leave me the hell alone."  If you feel like your head is splitting in two, do you really want someone snort-laughing in your ear, completely oblivious to the fact that you feel like you got run over?  Twice? 

I consider it common courtesy to feel out a situation and respond appropriately.  If a friend or coworker is obviously (because they've even told me so) not feeling well, I will step away from the ill party and LEAVE THEM THE HELL ALONE.  Don't make me yell at you then act wounded because you are the one who failed to properly decipher body language paired with spoken English.  It will get ugly if you don't step away and I won't feel one bit bad about it.  Where were you when they taught social interaction in Kindergarten? 

Am I crabby?  You bet your ass I'm crabby.  My sinuses are staging a coup, my head is going to explode and I feel like shit.  Do not make me talk about how excited you are to be getting your Girl Scout Cookies at 8 AM. Consider this a fair warning.

Do Something Sweet for Valentine's Day

Viscera Film Festival on IndieGoGo

If you don't know about Viscera, you must not pay attention to me very much.  Shannon Lark created Viscera years ago to aid females within the horror industry in getting their stuff seen.  We have a bloody carpet event coming to LA in July at which awards will be given and good times had by all.  The submission deadline for this year is February 28th - that's only two weeks.  BUT go to http://www.viscerafilmfestival.com for information and get ready for next year.

In the meantime, help us out by donating at indiegogo for THIS year.  Every cent helps out.

Thanks!

For those who prefer the darker side of love, here's this from my favorite holiday-themed horror film...next to Trick 'r' Treat, of course.  Have a bloody good day!!

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Hello all and here's to a happy Valentine's Day.  I realize everyone isn't a fan but I am.  Blah, blah, blah corporate holiday.  I hear all that and I don't care.  Valentine's Day is just like any other holiday...or regular day for that matter.  It is what you make of it.  You don't like it?  Don't celebrate.  But leave me out of your cantankering.  I don't have time for all the negativity.  Life sucks enough.

Have a box of chocolates and either enjoy it, or stick it up your ass!  Your choice.

xoxo

Welcome to More Maven

This is the inaugural post for The Pocket Guide to Mavenese.  This will be where I go to rant, share cool stuff and talk about whatever I damn well please.  I welcome everyone inside my head.  Enjoy the ramblings if it's your cup of tea.  And please feel free to comment if you choose.  However, if you have nothing constructive to say and just wish to be an asshole, then you can visit someone else.  This is my space.  Respect that.  If you are still reading after all of that, then welcome aboard, Friend.  If you're already gone then you won't see that I just called you a douche.